Forgive Yourself

I read a post recently at a blog I frequent quite often, regarding the difficulty some people have in forgiving themselves when compared to forgiving others.

At first I read the post, left a comment explaining that I had the same issue. I find it much harder to forgive myself of my mistakes than I do of forgiving others. It was only when the blog’s author responded that I actually began to think about why this is so. Why do I find it so hard to et my own mistakes slide when all it takes from others is a sincere apology. It took me a while, and the question wouldn’t leave my mind until finally I came to an answer. It wasn’t a particularly heartwarming answer, nor an overly satisfactory one, but at least I had a reason.

I can never forgive myself because I am less deserving of forgiveness. In my eyes at least.

Let me explain. I generally see myself as being extremely lucky to have the life I do. I have a group of amazing friends, a comfortable life and a good education. The problem is I cannot find what I have done to earn all this, I kind of feel it’s just been handed to me. I’m grateful, of course, but I feel like I owe the world something. This is why I’m more than happy to walk to the other end of campus to buy a friend a drink, or accompany a friend to a library so they can have some company during the walk. It’s why I so rarely hold grudges. In fact, as of this moment, there is only two (maybe three) people in the world I can actually say I hold a grudge against or dislike.

Due to this feeling of owing everyone something, it kind of places me on a lower rank than others in my life. I won’t call someone because I could be interrupting something important. I will ask permission before joining friends at a table. It’s this “lesser status” which has me finding difficulty when it comes to forgiving myself. Even if I commit the exact same crime against a friend as they do against me, I’ll be more than willing to accept an apology from them, but even when I apologise for what I’ve done I still feel guilty. There are a great many things I regret doing in my life which I still cannot forgive myself for doing.

That said, I’m not looking for pity or comfort. It’s just who I am, similar to how someone may be uncomfortable with their appearance. I accept it as who I am, deal with it and move on in life. I don’t let it eat at me.

If you’re reading this and you think to yourself “Hey, he’s like I am. I have trouble as well,” then please let me know. I’d offer some advice and tell you something like “Of course you’re worth forgiveness”, but that would be terribly hypocritical of me. What I can offer is to accept your mistakes. Even if you can’t forgive them, do not allow your blunders and your crimes to control your life or eat away at you. Because then you suffer the wound twice.

Dear France

Oh hey there France. You may not remember me. I’m that guy who’s had a crappy holiday everytime I visit you. I’m also, as you may not know (assuming you don’t remember me, which is likely. I’m just some guy you probably think is emo) Irish. Do you know what this means, France?

It means we’re not in the World Cup because of you. We’re not in the World Cup because one of your citizens is a cheater and a liar.

Oh, don’t mistake me for someone who actually follows sports. I’m about as sports-loving as a rock or a sloth. But this was too far France. You had all of Ireland raging for your blood, and a good few non-Irish countries too. But Karma is a cruel bitch of a mistress.

I love Karma, she makes me so happy sometimes.

You lost France. You lost badly. You lost badly several times. And now you’re no longer in the World Cup. Sucks to be you, bitch.

All the best,

Niemand.

To Know Defeat

It’s difficult to embrace defeat, for all of us. Whether we admit it or not is another matter entirely.

Humans strive for success, be it in work or in love. In politics or in athletics. Everyone has their own goals, their own objectives in life which they struggle for. In most cases, they fail. For every one winner, every success there are tens and hundreds of failures. It is a sad fact of reality, but not one we should allow to defeat us.

Defeat is what helps us learn and adapt. When we lose a football game, we practice harder to win next time. When we are turned down for a date, we move on and try again (usually). Defeat gives us, in some twisted way, motivation to succeed. Because, to be quite frank, defeat is depressing. And nobody enjoys being upset, so they strive to ensure that they never experience defeat again. Or, if they do, to at least attempt in such a manner that they are satisfied even in defeat.

There are, alas, times when defeat is ultimate and final. When the despair of losing is so great that we give up ever trying. People cast aside attempts at reaching their dreams because the taste of defeat is foul and unpleasant, a taste they desire never to experience again. I am sorry to say that on more occasions than not I am one of these people.

But I’m getting better. Defeat has spurred me on to greater heights. I’m job hunting twice as much as before, I’m taking grinds in college, I’m starting to trust people again. I’m still fearful of failing, and I still don’t take as many risks as before.

But I’m getting better.

Why do we Pray?

Prayer is such an integral part of any theistic religion. In some religions, one must pray at certain times of the day, in others it’s simply something one does whenever they wish to communicate with their deity. But why do we pray?

Let us set my own religious stance aside for a moment, and seriously consider this question. For the purposes of simplicity, I shall utilise my own knowledge for this, which is of Christianity.

People come up with many different reasons for prayer. One of the first reasons I usually get told is to ask of their God(s) a favour. In the case of Christians, is this not sorely futile? It is mentioned numerous times in the bible, that God has a “Divine Plan”. This is a pre-written plan God has for us, for all humanity and all existence. It details everything which is going to happen to us during our time in reality. So why then would He change it because we ask it of Him? Why would God spend so long conceiving this plan, only to have it ruined when someone asks Him for something? Surely, then, He will not answer requests, for it will destroy his divine plan. Ergo, prayer for requests is futile and there is no need for it. Especially when people pray for a new car, or to wish someone harm, or to win the lottery. Can you honestly expect the Lord of Creation to answer such greedy and sadistic prayers? Such a thought is laughable.

Perhaps then, people pray for others souls. This is a little more reasonable, but it too eventually proves futile. Depending on which Christian church you are a part of, it is likely that God will judge a person’s immortal soul on their own actions. The good go to Heaven, the evil to Hell. Alternatively, some Christian branches believe in Predetermination, where one’s soul is condemned or saved prior even to birth. This comes from God’s omnipotence and omniscience. God knows a person’s future (which raises an interesting point in regards to Free Will, which I shall discuss later) well before that person even comes into being, and hence know where their soul is going. In both these cases prayer does nothing for a person’s soul. You can beg God to spare a person from Hell all you like, but if they are judged on their own actions your prayers are ignored, and the same holds true for pre-determination.

Then, perhaps, one prays simply to communicate with God? Yet God is held to be something we cannot comprehend, something which we cannot understand. It is so far above us that He is to us what we are to ants. Then how can He be expected to understand us? How, if He governs all of reality and watches trillions of stars and quadrillions of planets with billions of lifeforms, can we honestly expect to be heard?

We pray for forgiveness, which serves at least some purpose, assuming God can hear us. But as I mentioned above, God most likely cannot hear nor comprehend us, as we cannot hear nor comprehend ants. And in the case of the Christian faiths which believe in pre-determination, then prayer for our forgiveness does nothing for the same reasons prayer for another does nothing.

So we come to the final point.

We pray for ourselves. There is nothing else for it, no other logical reason. I can understand why though.

It’s comforting, to believe that your prayers have an effect. That your watching God can hear you, can comfort you. I don’t blame those who pray, and in fact I am jealous of them for having found something to comfort them.

I must find some other way….

Making time For One’s Self

Hobbies are the things that keep me sane to be perfectly honest. I have a vast number of them, which is why I consider myself a Jack of all Trades, master of none. The problem comes with making time to partake in my hobbies, or just taking the time to relax and be myself.

For those that don’t know, I am unemployed, primarily due to the current economic climate and my being a student. Not many people are looking for part time employees these days, and if they are they generally want some kind of work experience. Considering the only thing I have any experience in is writing, that’s not the greatest piece of information I want to hear while job hunting.

Because of this one main fact, I spend the vast majority of my time on the internet trying to eke out just enough money to survive on. Most of the time I fail, but fortunately my family usually has a few odd jobs I can help with, be it cutting the grass or helping to move furniture. And they pay me for these jobs, usually far above minimum wage. But it’s still only just about enough to get me through month to month. All my time is used up on the internet trying to make money through a hundred different online projects through fifty different names. Websites, blogs, freelance writing….

Due to the combination of ‘business’ and the lack of a reliable income, I don’t have a lot of time to spend with myself or my friends. I usually manage to squeeze in an hour of “me time” just before I fall asleep, where I can write stories, read books and listen to music. If I’m lucky, I might get a day where I can hang out with friends and go to a park or something. But if they want to go to a cinema, I have to politely decline. I’m not one to scrounge off my close friends, so I’m not willing to have them pay my way through our movies and meals. I just order a small fries when they order a Big Mac meal. I don’t get popcorn when we see a movie. It’s not ideal, but it works.

It’s extremely important to make the time for yourself, at least an hour a day. I’d go stark raving mad if I didn’t do that. Just take the time to lie down, put on some music, and read a book. Play with your children if you have them. Watch TV, talk with a friend on the phone. Write a letter.

Life’s not as serious as people want you to think, and if you don’t stop to relax it will overwhelm you. If you let the intricacies and complications of life get to you, you’ll never survive.

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